Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
