Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
