I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
