He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
