the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
