I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
