ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I have fence marks all over my body
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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