The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
