Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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