ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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