I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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