look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
