Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
