I smell stomach acid.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
