watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Randomize
