Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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