I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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