All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize