uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
