My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
