Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize