I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
COCAINE IS GR8
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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