...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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