so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
