I hate all girls vehemently.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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