I cut my penus on the lid.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
