The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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