are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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