I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
