just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg šš
I really regret not asking ālike a cupcakeā when you asked me to eat your ass
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Iām going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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