Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
