My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
