I am puke
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
