Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
