The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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