I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize