sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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