The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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