I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
