I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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