you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize