I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
