I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
