she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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