My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
