i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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