i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
