Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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