you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
