so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
