I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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