Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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