6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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