How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
