i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
