Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
