Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i believe in u and ur pee
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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