Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
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